An odd feeling
For some days I had this awkward feeling I was missing something, forgetting something, a thing, a date, anything...
Then, yesterday it struck me... was on the phone with my mother and she told me. From there it all came rushing back.
I feel almost ashamed I haven't thought of it, of him, for so long.
Wednesday, it was 12 years ago my uncle died, of a 2 year sickbed, cut down and worn out by cancer, 3 days before my 17th birthday. Thinking back at it makes me slightly nauceous.
It was the first dead person I ever saw, and I'll never forget it. Being woken up in the early morning by my parents, driving to the house, the whole family gathered... his parents heartbroken... Parents should never have to bury their children, it's so cruel...
I remember the whole day, it was exactly 1 year after Freddie Mercury died, so the music of Queen was on the radio all day, making an odd emotional connection to their music I'll never be able to shake. The weird thing that there was even a vague physical resemblance between them as well, so... all the links are there.
Being there in that house was just hitting me hard, a 16 year old boy who thinks the world is all his, and where no one dies, came back to earth with a crash landing.
Remember just starting to cry uncontrollably in our kitchen, after we came home again... And it was still not even 8 am yet...
Still, jumped on my bike and went off to school. Had a test, economics. You can imagine I quit after 5 minutes, trying to do a test, when one of your heroes had just died... It just doesn't work.
Pfff...He never made it beyond 51 years, never saw his grandsons, never saw their spirit for life, never could teach them anything... he was a teacher as well, as the whole family is, and something I'll probably do at some point or another in my life. He was teaching the deaf and dumb mathematics, for example. One of the hardest things to do I guess...
He loved sailing. Even sailed to Copenhagen that summer (he loved Denmark too) with his old father and his old dog (who died 1 month before him) in their small sailing boat, one last time. The physical strain that must have been is beyond me. We met him where the boat was anchored, in Christianshavn, still know the exact spot, shocked at what we saw. The sheer exhaustion was clear in the eyes, but still that unquenchable determination to do what he loved, just once more. We all went to my grandparents' house, and had a big lunch, with all the foods he loved. Of course his favorite was there, my mothers' fruit salad desert. She didn't make it for years after that...
...Right now I listening REALLY loud to the album Temple Of The Dog, and specifically opening song, Say Hello To Heaven. I remember walking into my parents bedroom later during the day, talking to my mother about the lyrics, showing her the part below:
I never wanted
To write these words down for you
With the pages of phrases
Of things we’ll never do
So I blow out the candle, and
I put you to bed
Since you can’t say to me
Now how the dogs broke your bone
There’s just one thing left to be said
Say hello to heaven
Music was then, and still is, the strongest reminder and conveyor of my emotions. I listened a loooot to that album in that period, just as I did with Counting Crows' ' 'August and Everything After' when my grandmother died.
Tomorrow is my 29th birthday... I'll have a great time, but will still send a quick thought to those who have passed, as 1 month after my uncle died, the daughter of my parents' friends died of cancer as well... she was only 29... she was buried on the day of Christmas Eve. She and him found much support in each other in their last months, helped each other through weak moments, giving each other that last glimpse of hope.... Even when it was fruitless. I can only have respect... A deep bow goes out... With a small tear of sadness, I really wish he would have been able to see his grandchildren. The oldest, of 8, is actually taking sailing lessons now, being taught as well by his grandfathers' brother.
Can't help but think...
posted by El Vikingo Holandes @ 11/26/2004 01:43:00 PM
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