Sweet dreams

And so it happened. One of the infinite tragedies of life.

It's with great sadness to have to tell my dear and lovely grandmother has passed away last evening in the grand age of 94.

She was literally at the end of the line, and died gracefully, with a smile, and without any fear.

The last 6 months have been very tough as I have written about here before, as she simply 'faded' more and more quickly. The last 1,5 weeks hardly anything was left of her, but I know for sure her last days have been some very happy ones.
She had the closest family around: children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She passed away peacefully and with a smile, and the last words I have heard her say were:
"I just feel so happy".

Those words, and that is how I will remember her... always friendly, dignified and with a smile of love for her close ones.

(August 1949, with Vivi (my mother) and the eldest: Kjeld)

And, whether a coincidence or not, she passed away on the day that would have been her 67th wedding anniversary.
For all that it's worth -I am neither religious or really spiritual (I hate all that flaky & fake new-age-crap) - but I am actually sure she has re-found her place on the side of her beloved husband.
She knew that wedding day was approaching, since we told her and everything just 'fitted' perfectly.
We had been there all day yesterday, caring for her, and yet she waited, dignified as she is, with closing her eyes for the last time, until after we had gone.

...On the table lay a newspaper my uncle had brought, folded by coincidence (??) so only 2 words from the frontpage were visible: "Sand kærlighed" (true love). And that is what she had and showed for sure...

(2 parents, beaming with pride and happiness, at my parents' wedding, in august 1967)

Well, for me a very long, emotional and difficult period in my life has come to a close now, but can only say I am happy I could be there for her; taking care of her for 2 years. I will miss her dearly!

With sadness, but looking forward to a great summer and with great friends visiting over the next months... (and for some close friends: new little loved ones coming soon...!). I wish I could be there!! :)

The most unwanted of guests...

I feel strange...

Over the years I have seen different types of death and all the pains involved in my direct surroundings: all kinds of horrible cancers, heroin overdose, fatal strokes, and others... Never will I forget the first time I saw a dead person, but these days it is different, very much closer to my skin, saddening, but oddly enough not scary, and yet somehow deeply fascinating.

For about 2 years I have been taking care of my Danish grandmother, as I have written about before. In the last 6 months things have been going really fast though: every day I have seen something else slip through her fingers and not see her be able to recover that skill or possibility. For 2 years I was afraid of waking up and see her lying on the floor, but thank God that didn't happen... and somehow we managed.

Last Wednesday however broke my heart. I have seen her in different conditions, but when visiting her in the elderly home the sight of that little, frail & old woman having deteriorated that far was just too much. I could hardly utter a word and basically just sat holding her hand as tears welled up in my eyes. I was just all choked up.
And yet, she was smiling, simply for the fact I was there, and words were hardly even necessary.

And again, the last week things have moved along fast... and it is now only a matter of days or hours even.

Why is all this fascinating? (not sure it is a good word in this case, but I'll stick to it)
From very close I am witnessing this proud human being slip away physically and mentally, and getting ready to knock on the Pearly Gates.
I don't know if I can explain well, but it's fascinating as it is following in some way a very 'predictable' path, as opposed to some quite sudden deaths previously.
Fascinating as I am sitting there holding her hand, and she tries to show her love through half-closed eyes, and gentle squeezes with her hand, hardly any energy left in them...
Fascinating as it is incredible how strong the human spirit is. There she is, skin over bone, not able to eat or drink, and still trying to keep some dignity. And at the same time making that (for me inpossible now to imagine) step of accepting that it will be over soon... Not just accepting it, but saying it as well.
It's hard to comprehend the courage, strength, and strongness of heart it requires to utter those words. It's not despair, but a long hard stare at a new reality.

And at the same time, for all the love I have for her, I hope she will find peace soon...

When travelling to France those few weeks ago I bought some new books to read (adding to the pile of half-read books I am working on already) and one of the books is a lovely collection of short stories by Paulo Coelho, called 'Like the flowing river'. One of the stories contains a part which I will quote here, as it bears the above in mind, and takes the sadness death brings and changes into a point of departure for learning and living:

"We are all walking towards death, but we never know when death will touch us and its our duty, therefore to look around us, to be graceful for every minute. But we should also be grateful to death, because it makes us think about the importance of each decision we take, or fail to take; it makes us stop doing anything that keeps us stuck in the category of the 'living dead' and instead, urges us to risk everything, to bet everything on those things we always dreamed of doing, because, whether we like it or not, the angel of death is waiting for us".

(21/6: little update & small additions)

142 m2 in the center of Copenhagen!

Isn't it beautiful?

Guess I can say it officially now, since everything suddenly seems to be come together somehow, and really fast.

Granny will move to a home this weekend already (I'll spare you another shot of venom at the Danish system...) and it actually coincides with the fact that the flat will be in my name as of the 1st of May (total coincidence, funny enough!).

You can imagine I am quite happy about both things. Finally my dear old granny will be taken care of properly and I will be the proud inhabitant of a flat in the center of Copenhagen: 5 rooms, 142 m2 and about 50 meters from the lovely lakes here.

It's probably for the better anyway she is moving straight from hospital to a home, as she cannot stay at home anymore anyway, plus: she wouldn't recognise it because of the total state of chaos.

The last week I have started to seriously clean out the flat, which also means that chaos needs to be created first... Man, there is a lot of crap to be thrown out!
First I need to have all the stuff gathered and packed that we will bring to the flat in the elderly home (in a crap area of CPH btw...) and then: step by step make it into MY place :)

Soooooo, if you feel like visiting: after 2 years I finally have the possibility to receive many again!

I'll always have a bed, matress, sofa, or a bathtub with a pillow for you! (and I know some of you have tried all these options already...)

The next weeks are booked already though, so make sure you give me good notice, heheh...

This coming weekend my parents, to help with the moving, then the weekend Scott from London, then the weekend after our favorite crazy Indian (the w...ehhh, banker from Bahrein) will be here again, after that Japie will drop by, one week of break, but then the weekend after that I will be in Jutland for a family birthday (another excuse for too much food and wine) and the followin weekend: visiting Guillaume in Antibes for his birthday (if it works out) and then we have started June already... and as I return from France Scotty Scott will have arrived from Los Angeles...

Life is good!

Buuuut, hmmmm, when on earth am I going to fix up this place?

Anyone know a good painter btw? I need to have a whole flat done! (yes, I am lazy...)

So, see you soon then?

(Im)mortality?

*deep sigh*

I don't want to get old... no way... not the way I have seen too much now in a hospital.

Many years ago a crazy Indian read my hand. He told me my life line was long and strong, which meant I would have a long life (my love line is a bit crooked apparently...).
Now considering my genes that isn't something special (the life line that is, the other one I won't discuss here, although there are some pretty cool family rumors from the 19th century...).
I have many family members who made it to very respectable and venerable ages. My granny of course first: she made it to 94 yesterday. Then there is my grandfathers' aunt who made to 106! She was actually complaining about those young kids of 80!

Heheh... it must have been quite a sight...

But for real, what I have seen just today for example, brought a vague thought to the front of my mind: this way I don't want to get old.

I saw my granny, who was hospitalised yesterday for the 2nd time in 1 month, in total state of confusion, trying to reach out to the world and understand what the hell was going on...
This other old lady lying in her bed with tubes all over and coming out of her. She was sleeping, but whenever she woke up she was crying her eyes out, deeply frustrated and saddened by her situation. She spilled a little bit of juice and she got totally scared and bewildered...
Next bed: a 80-something who had just lost her husband a few months ago, and now had gone through chemo therapy... But still going strong...

That is what I respect very very deeply about my granny: all the crap that happened in the last months and she still keeps her spirit up. It's amazing...

She can hardly walk, and everything else is failing for this tiny, frail, very old woman, and still she sits and makes jokes... my deepest respects!

Still, this day, and the way I see everything fail for her, I realise I don't want to get that old. Not that way. Even when she has been 'lucky' and made it this far without big problems.

It's so undignified and humiliating to see the ones we love literally crumble away, fade away into the shades...
(And the Danish health care system certainly doesn't help: In this country 'available all day' means between 9 and 11 am, and between 13 and 14 pm. If you call 1 minute too late: too bad... take an aspirin and call us again when you are dead...)

Naaahhh, you know what? Give me the quay at the Guadalquivir in Sevilla, with a view on Tirana, at that terrace where Alvaro, Jose Antonio, Magdita and I sat so brilliantly enjoying the warm winter sun on the 31st of December 2004.

Put me there, when I am 60 or so, give me a good glass of Cacique and Lemon, made the good way, and let me be... Let me think of all the great people I have met over the years and my loved ones. Don't make it fussy.
Let me just die of whatever, quick and easy.

Don't say: naaah, too young, still so many years. No way, I have seen the end of the line. And it's ugly.
So little respect, dignity and self-esteem left must be a terrible feeling to have: not to be able to feel and do what you are used to.

Of course, I hope my granny will live to be 150, but to get old like this I cannot recommend.

I really don't want to be a cynic and a pessimist. I love life, and there are so many great things in store still, but please let us have that shred of decency when we get old.

So... there it is. My testament? Hahahah, no... just some gloomy thoughts after seeing someone get very old.
I hope you understand: everyone deserves to get old, but if we see them slip away and even one of the richest countries in the world isn't able to provide proper care to those we love (while claiming it is alll soooo woooonderful), I don't want to get that old.

Live is short, play hard then? Let's have a great summer!!!

And now, my dear friends, I need life, in every sense of the word... which is why I am considering visiting Dani & Sarah in summer when their baby boy will be born. It would be nice to be in a hospital when a new life is starting actually!!